#100daysofart: Good Grief! Though Not So Good ...

Day 88

Good grief was one of those antiquated terms thrown around in my childhood household.
It was exclaimed, essentially, when I was being a pain in the ass. Therefore, it seemed, grief must be akin to some sort of annoyance, inconvenience or frustration.

Not until I lost my father did I understand what grief truly meant.

One year ago today, my father was still alive.

Tomorrow, he was not.

The reality of that statement is like an algebraic equation around which I cannot quite wrap my head. 

The fact that one moment this person was here, and the next they were not is unfathomable to me. It has been 351 days and I still don't quite get it. Sure, the concept is simple enough, but the reality is a whole other ball of wax. 

It was explained to me by friend who I know it meant well that everyone dies and this was just the way my dad went out - in a tragically unexpected and painfully avoidable manner. She went on to inquire as to whether or not my parents had ever explained the concept of death to me. Only feeling mildly defensive I remained quite and contemplative.

I have been experiencing loss, in the form of death, since I was a little girl. The concept was not a new one for me. Sadness surrounding the passing of that loved one - that was old hat. That pang of missing someone when you want to call and tell them about a new movie or share a story and realizing, as you pick up the phone that you simply cant. I get that. But nothing quite prepares you for true grief. A short word, but a long process. 


Honestly, not until months and months later did the idea sink in, permeating every corner of my life and effecting my thoughts, feelings and actions. A dark pall cast over every decision, every statement. Sometimes I want to try to explain to people upon first meeting that this isn't really me, because my dad is no longer here. I want to talk to my bosses about how my performance in no way could be tip top because my mind is so constantly occupied, not thinking of anything in particular, yet everything all at once. My mind is utterly elsewhere. I want to let my partner know that I can be better, and I will be better, just as soon as they find a cure for this pesky grief. But, as any thoughtful adult knows, you simply cannot do that. Though Corky is no longer here to illustrate this point, life goes on - and so must I. 

I must face facts that I can only do the best I can with the given circumstances and, though the current ones may seem to suck ass - it is what it is. No excuses or explanations, only slowly chipping away at the crippling aspect of the aftermath and belief that things will get better and that the dark pall cast over my life will lift eventually and I will once again feel the sun on my face ... at least I hope so!

Try as you might to avoid grief, it gets you. #100 days of art was a project I took on both to feed my soul and to help me process; help me survive my grief. Below you can find the final days of my project, both random as well as fraught with meaning. Just like life.

Day 89

Day 90

Day 91

Day 92

Day 93

Day 94

Day 95

Day 96

Day 97

Day 98

Day 99

Day 100

#100daysofart: weeks 3 and 4, making it work

Though I have never seen an episode of Bravo's Project Runway, I do fancy myself a bit of a pop culture connoisseur and I do know who Tim Gunn is. It is my understanding that Mr. Gunn uses this term as a 'shut up and put up' sort of mantra, only with far more panache. Trying to create an original piece of visual art every 24 hours is most certainly a put up sort of agenda and, though thus far it has taken turns I didn't expect, I am currently 'making it work.'

I knew that travel outside of the state would create obstacles in my cerebral adventure, but I chose to incorporate my travels as oppose to avoid. Shooting Ghostface on stage was amazing and, not wanting to rely on photography too heavily for this project, I deemed him, and this shot above, worthy. With little time to spare my third day at SXSW I got crafty and created an environmental scene using the wrist bands I had received the day before. Though I didn't know what I was doing as I was doing it, I sort of think this works.

 

 

A plane ride can really take it out of you and making my tomato garnish into a piece of art and a symbol of love brought my mediocre Mexican takeout to a whole new level with just a couple swipes of plastic knife. Wanting to explore art with Photoshop I took the maturation of my oldest nephew into an official teenager as an opportunity to make his monumental 13th birthday well, monumental. Flawed as it is, it was done with love - and what could be more beautiful than that?

A postcard to a dear friend is a standard practice in my life, but drawing it with pictograms instead of an assortment of 26 characters was a fun new take in addition to being a throwback to the days of high school when Hillary Gatlin and I thought we were far more clever than any of our teachers when passing notes between periods in this DaVinci code. Seeing beauty in the nature outside, the flora of which is unparalleled in sunny Southern California, let me to my next now pressed flower and pen drawing and a quick article on permanent marker and rubbing alcohol led me to the baseball cap only a niece could love (at least hopefully!).

At first I envisioned this project as a chance for me to take my university honed art skills and get my still life or pottery wheel on. Having a degree in Fine Art has been a blessing, but the practice in everyday life can be hard found. Instead of using my charcoal on the daily, I find myself going way way back, perhaps to when I first became an artist, when I was just a kid with a box of Crayolas. After encouragement from my parents and desire building inside I brought it to college, to the professional world and now here, to social media. The full circle of life. Ha!

Making it a point to use different mediums and play with different techniques, all while fitting it into a busy work life and developing social calendar on a new/old coast has left me using the resources and time that I have to the fullest. Whether that is a collage torn from the pages of People, a quick shot of interesting architecture in a local Asian eatery, experimenting with crayons and fire, creating colorful lines and dots while burning the print off of my right thumb, or my piece de resistance, Selena Quintanilla Perez's portrait on a teeny tiny canvas commemorating the anniversary of her untimely passing. A big Selena fan I wanted to make sure to represent and though a full length image in a purple jumpsuit may have screamed the tejano star a bit more, this simple sharpie portrait would have to do.

 

 I will admit that this challenge is, well, challenging - but as I am forced to flex not only artistic muscles, but creative ones, in terms of logisitcs as to how to accomplish a piece each day - it is sort of fun!

you can take the girl out of the city ...

...but you can't force her to stop shaving her legs.

Having spent my entire adult life coveting the cities I was to live in, the past couple of weeks have been spent exploring my more granola side in the autumnal North East.

Apple picking and antiquing , donkey petting and hearty meals.

If I never see a a clapboard sided house again it will be too soon...