you can never go home

i am very proud to be a californian. i am so proud, in fact, that i have made it a point to stay very connected to where i come from as i have moved from one city to the next. according to my big sister, last year's trip home was a rough one for me as well, but perhaps the growing pains of last year made the realization of this year that i do not live in california all the more clear.

a cavity that had been left to sit nestled within my molars for about year so a quick drive up to sacramento to visit dr. behl, my dentist for over 20 years, allowed me to see my pops once again, and take in the 4th movie i saw in my 2 weeks and not only do i declare jeff bridges the coolest man alive, but i also think that marky mark's still got it. i also got to have a slumber party with my 4 year old my neice and have coffee with an old friend. then, it was back down to san francisco again to tour guide a friend from new york around the city with which he was not yet familar and got to see the city i love in all its glory on a clear, dark winter night. in the morning i ate a cookie, boarded a flight, and came back home... to a dirty apartment!

a couple days spent on valencia with one of the kindest hearts i know and exponetialy growing the diameter of my ass at all of my favorite eateries was just what i needed. facing san francisco this past week and realizing that i have officially not lived there for 5 years, and that i have in fact, lived that whole time with the dirty mistress known as new york was something i needed to do. san francisco will always be my first love, and no one will ever replace her, but right now, she can't give me what i need, and i have to figure out what exactly it is i need.

Heading from Sacramento to Visalia to Los Angeles to San Diego to Los Angeles to San Francisco all took place before New Years. I got to see some great family and dear friends and be reminded that i am being stubborn ruling southern california out as a contender as possible home. The weather was beautiful, as were the people and I rose at 5 am in LA to arrive in San Francisco midday on New Year's Eve to spend it with my bestie, Simone. We went out with some of her friends and attempted to make a night of it, but my heart wasn't in it and I was exhausted so I had Mohad, our jovial driver for the evening who I actually think is just a man with a car that picks up strangers, and not a licensed cab driver, drop me at home where i snuggled up on the pepto inspired couch and called it a night before the ball even dropped.

with a failed attempt at a hair appointment in the bay area i headed east to sacramento for christmas with my mother and my annual christmas party, a tradition i have grown to cherish. i have been blessed to have met the best people i have ever known in the capitol city and part of my heart lies in sacramento county and with it's inhabitants. a few days with childhood friends made my realization go from bitter, to bittersweet. yes, its true the girls i was on jumprope team with were mothers and wives and had whole social circles in the town in which i grew up but with whom i was not familiar, and that was ok. it didn't matter that our lives had taken different turns and have gone on without one another in the same location, but we still loved each other, and that wasn't going to change based on proximity.

arriving at sfo around 1 am on the 23rd of december was a familar and welcomed feeling of the chilly bay area night air and the warmth of home. i crashed at a friend's apartment in the south bay. a place at which i usually feel as at home and my mother's 4 bedroom home, but this time things felt different and time passed without one another was ever present. it was my 2 week voyage to california to reconnect with loved ones and get a taste of home that began with the realization that at some point, people grow up, and things change, and you weren't even looking.

january 2011