Adding Insult to Injury - The Plus One Conundrum

This summer I have been graciously invited to attend a dear friend's wedding. My first crush, and as I have said about many of the crew with which I was privileged enough to grow up with, one of the best people on the planet. I have known this man most of my life and I love him enough to travel cross country to witness his nuptials with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Whenever I receive a wedding invitation via the US Postal service and am invited to share in a loved one's special day, I am touched. I am far less touched when checking off my chicken or fish choice and I see there is no spot for the proverbial +1. In my younger days, when I knew everyone at the wedding or the understandable budgetary constraints made far more sense it was slightly less offensive. But as an adult in my 30s with a career and some semblance of decorum (I said some) I am baffled. As a single woman the immediate thought of those to whom I vent about this frustration is that it is far less about the escort of varying importance seated next to me at the polyester clad circular table for the evening and more about my quest to find my own 'one' and, in turn, give birth to the most beautiful biracial baby this side of the Mississippi. Perhaps there is a dollop of that frustration, but it is merely an optional condiment on an otherwise very real affront sundae.

Being from anywhere USA most of my friends partnered off early and those who are doing so now are the remaining few. This means, an implicit +1 on your dance card for life - and I respect that. My irritation lies within the fact that because I am single and have for one reason or another not taken vows with a member of the opposite (or same, depending on the state in which you reside) sex I am forced to dine on overcooked meat and listen to KC and the Sunshine band alone.

At 32, there is no longer a singles table at which the open bar allows for flirtatious chatter and inevitable questionable choices. This means, I am essentially at the kids table.

In the adult world it would seem that being single somehow equates to being a child, or being a cripple.

If I had a car, I am sure I would have a state issued placard dangling discreetly from my rear view allowing everyone who passes by to know that I am somehow so deeply flawed that no one wants to share a mortgage and menopause with me and therefore, I am destined to a life of peasantries with strangers and small talk with people who I don't give a rats ass about on the shellacked wedding dance floor of life.

Don't get me wrong - I am aware I can RSVP no thanks - but somehow that is cutting off my nose to spite my face because, though I think it is rude and thoughtless to not allow someone out of wedlock to essentially 'bring a friend' or better yet a significant other of clearly lacking significance in the eyes of the lord, I do want to share in the special days of loved ones and I am truly happy they have found what it is they are looking for and are able to celebrate in a public and celebratory manner.

Please believe me when I say these are not the ramblings of a bitter woman, but the stream of consciousness of someone who thinks too much and attends many-a-wedding. It just seems to be, that at this point in life, we are grown and if you need me to send a personal check for the $50 required to feed yet another face overpriced cafeteria food, as opposed to spending an otherwise lovely afternoon gazing at the happy couple while idly chatting the day away with your great Aunt Susan -sign me up!

saying goodbye to your soul mate and the antidote to suicide- part 1

a couple of weeks ago i did, what i consider to be, the ballsiest thing i have ever done. on the third leg of a three week trip, i went to maui to a former flame's wedding. alone.

pathetic. weird. awkward. i have heard it all.

looking back, the word i would choose to describe my experience - beautiful.

the groom was my first love. we hold a special bond and i was discouraged by many not to attend his nuptials. perhaps naively i feel like love is supposed to be altruistic in it's purest form and this happened to be a happy day for someone i love with my entire being, so it seemed foolish to not support and partake in his happy life experience. now having been single for a year, i still have not gotten over the pain of my love lost. when this wedding was first mentioned i assumed not only would i be in attendance with my most recent paramour, but i also assumed, somewhat foolishly, that i would be with child. well, turns out not only did i not call in my +1, but i was also being visiting by my aunt flo, which i am pretty sure is the opposite of being pregnant. for years i have been preaching to people to step out of their comfort zone and take risks, as i see myself doing, but the truth is, these adventures into which i throw myself are within my comfort zone because i dig them. plain and simple. going to a honeymoon hot spot as a single 32 year old woman was not within my comfort zone. so i did it.

luckily, mere hours after landing, whilst lying on the beach sunning myself i met a man from the bay area by way of russia who was friendly, gregarious, and open to the point where he heavily intimated that perhaps he had been involved in the illegal drug trade and grew copious amounts of marijuana at at least one juncture in his life. clearly this was the makings of an excellent out of town encounter, so i packed up my freshly purchased beach towel, LRG hat and book and we headed over to a local resort so i could take a look at how the other half live. here i met a newly married couple filled with tats, silicone and joy from their marriage after 10 years together. the husband, a driver for the motion pictures in los angeles explained that several years before he had been married to his wife's mother, not for love, but for health insurance which not only warmed my heart because of the generosity of love but also saddened me that we live in the most powerful country in the world and a woman cannot afford to get cancer. sigh. here i also met a nice man named frank who regretted 'bringing sand to the beach,' as this divorcee was on a make it or break it trip with a girlfriend of a year. its amazing what people tell strangers. after the bar flies dispersed i decided to head to a local shave ice spot in lahaina that a friend insisted upon me checking out. lucky for me, it was here i met yet another local, only this time a transplant from ny who left not long after 9/11 and had become a snuba (scuba and snokel hybrid) at a local beach

delicious shave ice treats were had and plans were made to dive the following day.

the water was not accommodating, yet the sun and people warm and i spent the day reading.

after a day of what i believe to be full blown relaxing i met up with this former NY'er turned bongo drummer and he and i, with said instrument, headed to a hawaiian house party, replete with ukuleles and home made delicacies. evidently this group of friends are also local musicians and sitting in a strangers driveway, eating their home cooked food, listening to local songs to which my ears had never before been privy, and gazing and the most contentedly beautiful pregnant woman i had a moment, just a moment, where i thought perhaps life is not all that bad.

the nuptials were the following afternoon, so i got a quick snuba in, swam with some turtles, became one with nature and had a stranger rub lotion on my back in the basement of a hotel - all before lunch. nervous to arrive at the wedding alone was a daunting task but seeing a couple old, familiar faces made me feel at home and the mother of the groom was, as always, charming, crazy and welcoming in one burst of frantic energy. being in such a mellow place and looking into the faces of those you love with the utter core of your being brings one a sense of serenity and calm, an opportunity on this trip for which i am eternally grateful.

the typically surly groom has literally never looked happier, filling my heart with endless amounts of joy and the bride was a vision. dinner was entertaining, largely due to the most recent additions to the family of two little girls from china who were endearing with childlike wonder and fascinated by the fact that a grown woman could exist without a husband. after several inquiries into where my husband was, their mother politely explained to them that one is in fact capable of reaching adulthood without one.

seeing as they are little girls who have not yet reached the age or obtained the level of social decorum we are supposed to have reached upon maturation i felt they got a pass. i, do not, however offer this pass to the childhood friend of mine with whom i went through my formative years who felt it appropriate to make a number of cat, lesbian and unsuccessful relationship jokes at my expense, at a table full of people. i suppose maturation is a relative term. although i know he didn't meant to hurt me, being at the wedding of someone with whom you have history and being a single woman at 32 lends itself to some senstive areas, areas i would expect most grown men would recognize. just a blip in an otherwise joyous day. moving on...

having not been excited to go to hawaii and spend that time and money due to its domestic status and the fact that i had visited two of the islands in my late teens, i was pleasantly surprised with how nice a week on an island with no agenda can be. my last morning i took a long hike alone, went to the north shore with another new friend i met at the shave ice hot spot who felt it his responsibility to show me parts of the island i had yet to see and parts of himself i didn't ask to see. i bid my former new york resident friend adieu and was honestly sad when driving my rented lincoln continental into the stormy dusk.

perhaps being in the presence of love is the antidote to suicide.

maui, hawaii

september 2013