Barefoot in the Jungle

Something about not needing to get up early and having no agenda makes the body rise with ease as does the sun. I am up to see the early morning light through my blue tinted glass sliding door and though a bit sweaty, as the fans turn off with the electricity at day break, I feel pretty good. 

I know I need sustenance and there is a dining area a few bungalows down that sits over the water at (Matt) Saracen Resort, last time, I promise. 

I order an "American Breakfast" for a change and pray my funds hold out until I am back on solid land.

My camera is behaving tempormentaly and I fear I won't have a functioning one for all, if not some of the remaining trip. I do, however, take this in stride. My legs are so insect bite ridden that Helen Keller could read my fortune and I only have $40 to last me while I am here. I believe there is a point when Murphy's Law is so deeply ingrained in your life that it is ALMOST amusing. I am choosing here to be amused.

The waitress who brings over my cutlery and orange juice needs to make sure that I'm alone for some reason, as so many people in this country seem to need to. Never before have I had so many inquiries into my solitude. It's like I have an open wound and they are all own stock in Mortons.

I don't care what anyone says about Americans being loud and brash and obnoxious. Mix that with no regard for others on the road and no sense of personal space and you have the Chinese tourist, impervious to cultural acclimation or volume control.

My American breakfast is American priced and subpar, but food is food and I move on, down the beach as I resort hop. Please note that resorts on Koh Rong Samleon are not "resorts" any other place you've ever been. Resorts here are accomodation and it would seem that most house their own restaurant or bar and, along with beautiful temperatures and access to the beach that is what this island offers.

Around 4pm I decide to head to Lazy Beach. The remote beach on a remote island, located a few kilomteres through the jungle on the West side of the island. A quick nature hike through the jungle in my chucks, a Yankees hat and a bikini - I can hear Helen Reddy amongst the screaming monkeys and the squealing crickets.

Once the jungle parts ways there is an oasis; there is Lazy Beach.

It is breathtaking.

I essentially run to the sea, sticky from my hike, drop my belongings and plunge in. It is me, and the bay and no one else. 

I have become so spoiled by the beauty of the world. So used to seeing new, far off places that every so often I do try to take a moment and really soak in that I am out in the Gulf of Thailand on a beautiful afternoon swimming in the sea. It is a palpable moment for me, and one I savor.

As I drag my drenched body back up to the shore the Lazy Beach resort - a series of huts on the beach with a main lobby that is an outdoor-hammock-chill sort of getwaway presents itsself and I immediately see the British bloke, Gary, from the night before.

I ask if I may join him and we settle in to listen to Bonobo on the soundsystem and watch the sun sink beneath the clouds. I order a Lazy Sunset, the girliest drink on their menu and later fish and chips because I am pretending to be adventurous and eat fish caught just outside but also getting it fried so it mostly just takes like fried. The cocktail is ok and remains half drunk, as is the marlin, when my British bud and I have covered everything from childhood trauma to cycling in France and make our way back to the East side through the jungle.

The moment I saw Gary in this particular gin joint I knew I would later be using him as accompaniment through the jungle. I was uneasy walking through during the broad daylight, but it is now dark. The sun is long gone, but the creatures are not and CalTrans has yet to set up any roadside spotlights for tourists here. I am scared. Legitimately scared and the fact that homeboy thinks every stick is a Boa Constrictor is not helping.

Half way through I realize that this city girl does have some country in her, or at least some iPhone in her...bag. Thank you Steve Jobs for putting a flashlight on your iPhone. It only took me 5 years to figure out how to use this feature, but man is it helpful when traversing the dark unknown.

We exit at the beach, lit up blue by the moonlight and make a right at Octopussy bar back to Blue Green, where Gary is staying and I am using electricity before returning to my hovel. Some approximation of iced tea is served and some more opposite of small talk is had before we both walk way out to the ocean, the cosmic pull having brought it what seems like miles from shore and bathe our feet in the warm night before saying out goodbyes. Two kisses, one on each cheek, just like the French do it and a sincere thank you for sharing your time on this tiny island with me.

iPhone flashlight

Another hike back. A quick shower and a revisiting of Noah's Arc, a little show on Logo 10 years ago and the only videos I have on my phone. Who doesn't like watching a situational comedy about 4 black gay men in Hollywood before nodding off?

And again, early to rise.

I check out of Freedom, not knowing exactly what my next move is but knowing my camera is working occasionally at best and my funds are rapidly dwindling - you try PMSing on a budget!

This time at Saracen Resort I opt for a more traditional Asian breakfast and I am not disappointed. With excellent Wifi I chat with a friend back home, the kind of friend that makes you feel at home even when you're 9000 miles away (yeah, thats you, Holly) and I plot my course of action. 

An arbitrary booking for a room at the Orchid Resort a mile down the beach is made and I have made my choice - to stay in Koh Rong Samleon, for at least another day.

The morning consisted of a chat with one of my oldest and dearest friends Holly and my internal calculator working overtime while figuring out whether or not the cash I had on hand could get me through another day.

This island is a place so quiet the insects omit a deafining noise.

Dexter, Frank, Zak and Gary.

No, these are not the new fangled members of New Edition. These are the four man who helped me through my journey.

This trip has been a particularly tough one for me and the kindness of these strangers, whether for a plane ride or just a walk on the beach helped me survive. Helped me in ways they will never know. And for that I am grateful.

I love this place. I love the magical beach. The sea filled with fish just like the ones I used to own and name and become fond of right before they took their final swim down the porcelain shoot in my father's bathroom.

Having waited a bit too long to traverse the island back to my humble abode it is dusk and the monkeys are squawking - and I am scared.

The evening is spent PMSing on a huge fruit plate at the Orchid while writing and watching 'The Voice - Cambodia' - or so it sounds.

That night I am met with a hot shower - for what feels like the first time in ages. Hallelujah.

As wonderful as my room for the evening is with all it's rustic charm, the walls are thing and the sext door neighbors rowdy. I couldn't quite tell what they were doing from the noises emitting through the wooden slats separating us. But I can attest to the fact that they kept me up - and made me sufficiently uncomfortable.

Luckily I slept. Luckily I survived.

Few things in life or more powerful than listening to Leonard Cohan on a white sand beach at sunrise.

The morning offered an amazing sunrise and a moment of peave.

After checking out the morning is spent watching the proverbial pot boil or, as is the case here - waiting for my boat to come. Just when I think it never will I am directed several hundred yards down the beach where a refugee dinghe is schleping visitors to shore.

Travel at it's finest.

This means I had a couple more hours to luxuriate, check my internet goings on and figure out where I will be spending the evening at the Blue Green.

I almost book a dorm at Otres Beach, then think about shared bathroom. Getting older is a beautiful thing in many ways. Not physically sure - but it does allow you some perspective and often a few extra sheckles to spend on a private commode. Decision made. Pineapple juice consumed and my LL Bean bag and I board the dinghe headed back to the mainland.

As the ship about faces I was truly sad. 4 days ago now seemed like a lifetime and I have grown to love this tiny island upon which I only spent a few days of my life. By sometimes that's all you need

I mount the stairs to the top level of the boat - trying to get every UV ray possible to permeate the outer layer of my epidermus and who do I happen upon than a nice looking fellow sporting a brightly colored LA hat.

The hour or so boat ride back goes by in a flash as I chat with this amiable man in his mid 30s who lives in the UK but claims South Africa as his home - creating an interesting accent and an interesting perspective on life.

We make dinner plans and as he boars the shuttle bus, I hop on my own personal tuk tuk out toward the beach. Along the ride we putter past the police hut where I was incarcerated for many moments and I am forced to relive this painful experience all over again.

After a long and winding ride I land at Footprints Hostel at Otres Beach 2 which will be where I will be living - at least for the night.

Perhaps it is aftershocks from the hallucination I had last night where a man came to my window banging in the middle of the night only to wake me, rouse me from my bed and, when I reached the glass door disappear, leaving me shaken and disturbed, but this day has been exhausting.

As I settle into Footprints one thought meanders through my mind. My Dad was right, beauty fades with happiness, not with age.

Fuck The Police And Fuck The Hookers.

Oh my goodness, where to begin. In the past few days I have become a civil rights activist; I have had my first halluciation; I've hiked through the jungle at night an irate monkey would tear my face off like that lady on Oprah who has to wear a bee catchers hat at all times and my camera has broken.

It is Saturday in Sihanoukville, but my guess is every day operated pretty similarly. A few motorbikes are making noise as they gradually ascend and descend the hill that runs from downtown to the sea. The Corner is open and currently serving several foreigners, but I like to try new places so I make a lap, tie up my hair that I always try to keep down, at least for a few moments to be clean in the breeze, and locate and eatery that just happens to share real estate with a mechanic. 

Cambodia jams waft through the air, as do some peculiar smells, but several people seem to be enjoying their meals here - my guess is they are all members of the family that owns the place - and when the proprietor and matriarch sees me she simply says 'noodles, mamma?' - Sold! 

Shortly thereafter iced tea and meatball soup are served.

Traditional breakfast seems to be a sweet ramen served with a variety of meats. Sometimes I am adventurous enough to tackle, others I am not.

Breakfast complete, I pay $1.50 with one American dollar and 2000 riels. I have not seen a single coin while in this country, but their paper currency seems to function quite the same and with American currency readily accepted it seems appropriate to pay most places with both.

I go to a few places that offer to rent motorbikes, but all seem to want to hold onto my passport which makes me exceedingly uncomfortable so I compromise by doing so at the hostel next door to mine. The helmut doesnt fit, the gas gauge says empty and the speedometer doesn't read so I figure I am good and hit the open road. After taking several wrong turns I find myself in the city center with large plainly stated signs leading me to Otres Beach, my destination for the day.

Just as I am coming around the roundabout, a large golden Lion in the middle serving as a major landmark in these parts, two police officers waive me over. My initial thought is good god - I still have a ticket to pay in New York state and I don't even have a car there. I literally cannot get into a motor vehicle (or in this case on) and not get a ticket, regardless of whether or not I am actually piloting.

I pull over.

The police officers inform me that the chin strap on my helmut is not snapped.

Initially I pay the proper amount of reverence one does to an officer, snap it, apologize and make moves to continue on the road.

They persist.

This shocks me because, if you've ever been to Southeast Asia, or any third world country is it totally normal to see a 2 year old at the helm of a motorized vehicle, sometimes with several oxen tied to the back. From time to time they will be drinking a local beer while doing so.

As I stand there many many people drive by with nary a helmut in sight.

They inform me I will have to pay. Being terribly American I exhale and prepare to be handed a ticket or something remotely official to pay a fine. Then as they proceed to list I can buy them a bottle of water, or some food I am in complete and utter shock.

I have been racially profiled. Pulled over for no good reason and now I am being blackmailed.

The public defender who lives not so deeply inside of me instantly comes to action and instead of handing them a buck and continuing to the beach I continue the conversation. Repeatedly telling them I will not be paying them anything and I will not be getting off my bike.

Now I am getting angry.

And so are they. The chattier of the two officers repeatedly reminds me that he is the POLICE, pointing to his uniform that says so just in case I am confused by my native tongue.

To be perfectly frank - I don't give a fuck. How dare you attempt to extort me for money, pulling me over only because I am a foreigner and you know it. 

We go back and forth for 10 minutes or so and he keeps gestering behind me telling me to talk to his boss. He says in no uncertain terms that I need to get off the bike, but my body won't let me.

At first he puts his hand on mine, a clear sign of authority. Then he physically attacks me, pulling me off the bike with all 150 lbs of his brut strength, hops on the bike himself and speeds away.

I am in disbelief. Stunned. And livid.

I have to return that bike to get my passport and I have to have my passport well, to pass back into the United States so I know I at least need to address this.

Not 3 minutes later I am at the "Police Station" which consists of two men sitting at a card table under a tent with what appears to be the sort of cash box used as school carnivals.

Now the boss man is confused. There are a handful of caucasian people, heralding from all over the globe. The German couple pays immediately and the French couple gets away with the we are French and don't understand. But I have not attempted to kill these motherfuckers with kindness. They have the audacity to request bribes, loudly in daylight and aren't the slightest bit ashamed. I go back and forth with the police chief for maybe 30 minutes before he becomes so irritated with me he begins to yell at me and his henchmen "escort" me back to my bike. 

My motorbike prowess is limited and I cannot get the bike started, to which they yell more. At this point I am so angry and upset, tears are sliding down my freckeld cheeks which only makes me more angry because they no doubt think I am some scared little girl, but really I want to clock them in their smug faces. 

With only one pass to the famous beaches down here I am landlocked, as the police set up shop there for just these sorts of incidents, though I would imagine usually less violent. 

I begrudginly drive back to my hood, crying the whole way and return to the Queenco which has a small if unimpressive strip of sand and Wifi so I can call back home and speak of this injustice, ironcally enugh, to a black man who seems to have a grasp on my indignation.

I will never pretend I know what it is like to be a black man in America. It would be foolish and insenstive for me to do so. But I do believe that an experience like this gives me just a taste. And let me tell you, it doesn't taste good.

After several hours of lapping waves and sunshine my resting pulse has lowered below apooplectic levels and I am able to relax, a little. 

Japanese male tourists are here in droves, maybe for the local industry of local girls, maybe to take a leisurely dip in the Gulf of Thailand and then bask in the sun at the outdoor restaurant in their still wet boxer briefs, spread eagle, leaving very little to the imagination. But leaving a whole lot to wonder about whether or not those stereotypes we've all heard are true or not. Never having seen an Asian penis, I casually glance from time to time looking for signs of life but fruitless and a bit "To Catch a Predator" of me I decide instead to return my attention to the beautiful blonde woman to my left with the beautiful body and the beautiful baby (I hate her) and my main man - Mr. Chuck Klosterman.

After an American priced meal on the beach I head back up the hill where a Dave Gahan lookalike informs me of his gig at Club Mojo around the corner from the girly bars while perched upon his hog. My interest is piqued, but I have to return my motorbike, to a woman who hands me a burgandy passport, crack staff they have here. And besides - I think I have Sihanoukville - hookers and crooken cops. I'd rather stay in tonight and hop on a boat outta here tomorrow.

Luckily the staff at Out of the Blue hostel can facilitate both. The ticket is $25, which seems wrong, but what are you gonna do, so I buy a Sun Tours ticket to Koh Rong Salmeon, a small island off the Southern coast of Cambodia and hope for the best.

I spend the night looking for accomodation for the folliwing evening, there is a $110 a night gorgeous yurt that would transport me to Santorini, but I am in Cambodia, so I pay $16 for Freedom Bungalow and call it a day. This trip is already becoming more expensive than I anticipated, but they always do.

My bag, now barely containing same amount of stuff I brought with me, perhaps my sweatsuit just takes up too much room in 90 degree weather, is slung over my shoulder as I exit room #2 and head down the holl to the dock. Today is absolutely the kind of day I wish I had my standard issue backpack currently still residing in California, but for now its just me and this duffle, and we're making due.

It is always interesting wonce you've spent a few days in a place how it changed and I can now see a much more efficient way to get from point A to point B. When I arrive at the pier in minutes flat I wonder why I was ever so discombobulated. 

I have, of course, arrived at the pier early, a mix an inability to sleep and wanting plenty of time to figure things out. A number of speed boats are docked alongside a huge white ship seemingly rented out by the country of Japan. None of these watercrafts are my overpriced Sun Tours so I sit, and I wait.

It is as I am waiting in the morning sun I hear an 'excuse me,' and as I turn around it is the young woman from my hostel. Apparently I left without paying my balance. The women at the front when I left just stared at me blankly so I took that as a sign we were good to go. I hand her a 20 and in exchange she offers me some valuable information about Snake Island, a lot of snakes used to live there, and a tiny island just beyond that illegally acquired by the Russian government. I am grateful for the info as well as her assurance that I am, in fact in the right place and we say goodbye.

Sitting on the pier only enforces my 40/60 theory (thanks again, Lorelai Gilmore) about this town. I would venture to guess that at least half of the Sihanhoukville population is a 60 something Caucasian male with a 40 something Cambodian bride. I hate that the cynical side of me questions the hand holding and gold bands as somehow fake or inauthentic. Maybe they are realy in love. Maybe marriage means different things to diffierent people. Maybe my concept of passion, love, commitment and conflict resoultion is puerile in it's conception.

Maybe.

Finally Sun Tours 3 decker, Staten Island Ferry inspired ship docks and I happily board the monolith for some classic rock and modern pop tunes, a provided meal and 2 hours on the open water.  

The thought of eating and shipping at the same time is a daunting one and it is my earnest hope that the boat just rides steadily enough that the included meal doesnt include me losing it over the side. Motion sickness is a terribly affliction from which I have always suffered and one a former boyfriend used to insist was all 'in my head' until one bumpy cab ride uptown literally turned me green.

Our first stop is a tiny island. A patch of pure vegetation an hour off shore and immediately the backpackng crew of young twentysomethings began to leap from the top level of the shop. This while the throng of old Chinese ladies, replete with life vest and blow up floaties I witnessed them inflating while on board - stood idly by, not even attempting to get wet. 

I was content to sit and read and hopefully get some quiet if everyone was out in the sea - but then I thought - when is the next time I will get this experience, so I put the book down, disbrobed, and lept. Feet first into the salty sea, riding me of any nasal congestion as well as the top to my bikini almost instantly. The current was strong and steady so my childhood award winning swimming skills came in handy bobbing in the sea. I took the time to chat with some fellow travelers briefly and a thickly accented man immediately said, 'American?' to which I, of course replied yes. I asked the perfunctory and you. He was Norweigan. Then I took a beat.

Not one to leave any stone unturned I said - do I look America or sound American.

And his reply was simple and concise. "The confidence. It's nice."

I chose to take him at face value and choose to say here, thank you strange Norweigan man for some unsolicited kind words. 

As the boat rocked along lunch was served and the line to dig in wrapped around the bottom deck. I insinuated myself amongst the young folks and, as it happens, right behind a friendly old soul from New Zealand named Zack.

He was suffering from motion sickness and, being a lifelong member of that club I offered some friendly suggestions and we began to chat. He felt like the elder statesman of his tour group at 28 and when we docked just a short time later neither one of us wanted to end the conversation so we sidled up at an outdoor eatery, and I use the term eatery loosely and decided to grab a drink.

Electricity is limited on the island and I am going to blame that on the fact that when we were told a mojito and pina colada were all that was available today on the drink menu that Zack received grass trimmings in a highball and I got a cup of cream of coconut with a splash of rum. Needless to say they were disgusting and replacement Klangs were ordered immediately following.

As we sat and talked movies, books and travels I told Zack that I was a photographer, but fancied myself a bit of a writer too, though these entries may prove otherwise.

Not being shy I admitted to Zack that life had been rough, though not going into detail and that I was a bit of a crier. Though we had just met he told me he was surprised, because I seemed to strong. My response: You can be both.

He told me I spoke like a writer.

I enjoyed the comment immensely.

Being the almost gentleman that he is, I was walked to my accomodation for the night, Freedom Bungalow. As we travereed the beach each and every business, of which there are few, simply pointed further down the beach and exclaimed something along the lines of all the way.

It turns out when booking my room the night before I passed up on plenty of perfectly good prospects to choose the cheapest private room I could find on (Matt) Saracen Bay in exchange for convenience. Freedom Bungalow was not only at the far end of the beach, there was construction, so you had to hike up into the jungle, take a right at the shantytown and decend again before you located this perfectly lovely, if hidden, gem.

The irony in my decision to unknowingly choose the place that required the most dangerous and arduous route was not lost on me.

Perhaps some of my decision making acumen needs adjustment.

I bid adieu to my new Kiwi homie Zack and handed him my business card in the least obnoxious way possible as I would be here, in Koh Rong Samleon for a few days and he was heading back to Thailand to get his Muy Thai on.

Once check into room 23 there was no sign of any B. Or any wifi. Or any electricity before 6pm. And no access to the main beach. With less than 100 pages left in my book I panicked, if only mildly.

In all honesty though, this place is beautiful magical, otherworldly and if I were not concerned with first world needs like an available meal before 6pm, or were with a paramour or, I were very very high, it would truly be heaven.

Cambodia, if I am doing the math correctly, is country #37 for me and it has been pretty rate in my experience thus far to feel like I am in a world so different from my own. Renting a thatched roof cottage on the beach for 20 American dollars to enjoy white sand beaches and clear blue waters miles off of the Southern coast of Cambodia feels pretty far. 

I really have been to some of the most romantic places on earth. Alone. 

Blue Green offers a reprieve from the heat of the sun with its outdoor patio and happy hour specials.

I post up at a table for 4 with my book and a Coke when a little orange kitty comes to say hello. I am always hesitant to touch animals in these parts of the world, but I say hello and take a couple of pictures. Then, out of nowhere his white friend decides to get in on the action and both are now atop my table. 9000 miles away from home, in a country I am sure doesnt share the same stereotype and I have become a cat lady. It is pointless to resist. I may as well buy an arsenal of house dresses, throw on some chancletts and put rollers in my hair and call it a day.

The kitchen opened about an hour later and a bowl of delicious green curry is served to me by a shirtless, nipple ringed young Spanish man who may or may not have been smoking a doobie when delivering said meal.

Once the Wifi is turned on I am an a roll and when I hear a familiar language being spoken behind me I make fast friends.

Gary is a pilot currently flying out of Siem Reap who popped down for the weekend to get some sun and some apparent food poisoning. After a few minutes of friendly conversation I ask if he is Liverpuddlian and he seems equal parts surprised and impressed by my adept accent determining skills. When he asks how I knew he was from the North my answer is simple, accurate and predictable: The Beatles. If you don't know what Paul McCartney's accent sounds like you've either been living under a rock, or you're an idiot.

Once a friendly German traveler from a table over joins the conversation its basically a full fledged party.

Dinner and internet have both been consumed and it is time for me to take the long walk, down the latnern lit beach, over the river and through the woods, barefoot mind you, to Freedom.

One is the Loneliest Number

Vitriol still burning in my belly, eating away at the parts of me I had yet to abandon, I had no choice but to keep moving. When 8 o'clock came I hopped in the back of a paddy wagon that brought me to the bus station, my first step toward Siem Reap.

The bus station more closely resembled a corner market but I was told in no uncertain terms this was the bus to board. After unlacing my sneaks and navigating the narrow aisle I was also told in no uncertain terms that hotel bus really meant I had rented a twin bed for the evening and, seeing as I was traveling alone, I would be sharing this bed with a middle-aged woman without the personal space boundaries, boundaries in which I firmly believe.

I lay and silently and allowed tears to run down my face as to not frighten my new exotic girlfriend when the heavens caught wind and joined in. As I was pressed up against a Briana-sized window, smushed on display with views of the darkened countryside, rain drops began dripping down the windowpane allowing me to star personal Sarah McGlachlan video, only this time I was the abandoned puppy at the SPCA.

Some comfort was found in the endless hours of spooning with the chummy Cambodian woman, kind enough to be the big spoon. 

Arriving in Siem Reap in the middle of the night I had a throng of Tuk Tuk drivers in my ear and jumping crickets on my face to keep me company until my scheduled pick up arrived and brought me back to Bun Kao Guesthouse, where I had booked a private room for 3 nights.

After a bit of time to settle in I turned off the lights and on the fan and was fast asleep. 

My first day in this second city awaited.

After langouring in bed for the better part of the morning, vascilating between blankly staring at the water damaged turquoise walls or crying helplessly into my single knitted red blanket, I rose. I took a cold shower directly over my sink. Put on the exact same clothing I was wearing yesterday, save for the red lace underwear that either has left permanent stains on my body or I should really see a doctor, and descended the stairs from room 13 and out the door to a treasure trove of patrons come to see Angkor Wat, replete with baggy elephant print pants and T-shirts with Tiger or Tsingtao beer emblazoned brightly on them. 

It wasn't until I forced myself to get out of bed and my head became swirlier than usual that it dawned on me that I had not eaten in 24 hours and sustenance was of the utmost importance. Passing plenty of sufficient eateries along the way I instead traversed the major thoroughfare and stumbled upon a covered deck with dark wooden carved tables and wicker chairs just waiting to be sat in. Though the menu was proudly on display in the front there were no patrons and only two young women, beaded with sweat from their morning cleaning ritual inhabited the establishment.

Kind, as most everyone I have encountered here is, they gladly took my order of lemon juice, papaya salad and spicy pork noodles and left me to my own devices in the cool shade.

I pride myself on many things. My ability to talk to strangers. My commitment to those I love. My inherent sense of style and my ability to eat and enjoy spicy food.

Imagine my surprise when the papaya salad left me in a fit grasping at my throat, unable to catch my breath. I've eaten many things in many places (insert dirty joke here) but never have I experienced the peppery goodness of Cambodia. Shortly thereafter the noodles were served and it was all wonderful and delicious.

The mind is a funny thing. As I'm sitting here at 10 am, perfect weather, no pressing appointments, consuming a delicious meal in a far off land I know I should be focusing on that. Living in the proverbial moment.

But heartbreak is relentless. All consuming. Devastating. Loneliness is real. Not just a concept created by women over 30 who have read too many Harlequin novels. Being told you're not good enough as you are by the person with whom your in love is crushing and I can't begin to think of the remedy. 9000 miles of distance certainly isn't it.

Belly full of an entire multi-course meal before noon and another lemon juice for the road just to ensure I'll get diabetes with the intense rise and crash of my blood sugar and it's time to make moves.

Angkor Wat is several miles away and I've already promised my tuk tuk driver from last night/early this morning that my fare is his so  I utilized the map handed to be my the front desk attendant, scratched the bug bites that I've developed from unknown sources, hopefully not ones carrying west Nile, and made a right.

I get extra philosophical while traveling and life seems to simple. It's essentially a series of lefts and rights, joys and sorrows. But what if you continue to follow the map. Make every turn the correct way, and still end up lost. Still end up with far more sorrow than joy. Still end up alone. 

Knowing that action seemed to be on the other side of the river way bisecting the town I made my way in that direction and, imagine my delight when just over a delicate white bridge was an outdoor photo exhibit put on my Canon. The remnants of the exhibition launch lay discarded but the photographs, covering various topics and people from around the world were beautiful and I made sure to take a gander at all 130 of them. Free, outdoor art a what could be better?

Traversing Royal Garden park I stopped and listened to the bellowing music escaping a yellow pagoda as Chinese tourists deboarded a bus to take selfies and eat street meat. Enjoying the people watching I barely noticed when a legless man scooted on up to me. He then began friendly conversation and though I knew an inquiry into a donation to his needs was coming, I obliged. He explained that a 'boom' had taken his legs in war and we discussed the weather. Shortly before the inevitable request for cash he said. Are you one? I replied, yes. He said not two, not three, just one? Nope. Just one. That's nice he said, pity in his voice.

Good lord. Thanks to this man Three Dog Night will serenade my days and nights for the rest of this journey - if not for my life!

I took this as my queue to leave and when not 10 minutes down the road I seized the moment and sent my obligatory handful of travel postcards, in hopes these vintage, well worn babies would make it back to the motherland before I do.

The Old Market sits just Southwest of my hovel and as I got closer I could smell the tourists. The small grid of streets houses fancy local crafts as well as pub street lined with offerings of 50 cent draft beer and the most mediocre Indian Food I've ever consumed. Mexican just seemed wrong, so I stuck within the continent and picked at aloo gobi and chicken tikka masala as I caught up on emails and chatted with my rock star friend who not only travels more than I - but on someone else's dime. He is sort of a big deal!

The old market was lovely and before leaving I made sure to get some trinkets for loved ones back home. Earrings, as I always do for Mom. A pretty silver bracelet for a friend with whom I've seen much of the globe. A crop top for me because I'm 35 and out of shape and I can.

It was getting late. I was still dizzy and the stickiness that coasts a body in weather like this at some point literally starts to weigh on you so I kept my map in my bag and just began to walk. And walk. And walk. 

After some time I stopped and asked for directions. And then I did again. And then I did again. 

Making what I can only imagine was a 20 minute straight shot into a 2 hour circle I wasn't 300 yards from my hostel when I stopped to ask for help at an electronics store and a young man couldn't locate us on the map.

Sigh.

A couple more loops and glory hallelujah I see the alley on which Bun Kao is located, nestled amongst the palm fronds.

I'd made the wise choice to stop at a supermarket before reaching my destination so I had stocked up on water and bootleg MnM's to ride me over through the rest of the night, as I was fairly certain once I washed the day off of me, I'd be in for the day.

And in for the day I was.

But the day was not out of surprises...

The night before I'd gotten a knock on my door. Not late, but certainly unexpected. Turns out a fellow traveler was interested in going to Angkor Wat for sunrise and, having been told by the front desk that I'd already made arrangements asked if it would be cool of we split the ride and cost and explored together.

Enter Frank. 

In order to watch the sunrise over Angkor Wat, Cambodia's most notable feature aside from the genocide, you must wake early. My alarm was set for 4, but as I had fallen asleep at a time appropriate for someone in third grade, my body was up and at 'em at 3. Plenty of time to dress, get my things together and catch up on a 12 or 15 hour difference in communication back home.

At 4:30 sharp Frank, my new Canadian friend, and I were on the dark streets of Siem Reap heading first for the ticket station, a sight to be seen in itself. Lines for a 3 day pass, offered at $40. Lines for 1 day passes, for $20. And lines to pick up said passes after they print them out with your photo colorfully displayed on the front.

Queued up weary travelers. Mostly of the white folks with dred locks variety. Me in my mom jeans makes me feel so old and lame as I look at these heads of hair void of any greys, faces not yet weathered by life.

At first I feel lame and old and then I realize actually I'm extra awesome - because the greys and deepening crows feet, the weathering life offers hasn't stopped me from early morning jaunts to foreign temples. So there!

After procuring our tickets it was back in the tuk tuk, led by star light and the brightly colored print of my pants alone. 

A pack of tourists are dropped off in pitch the pitch black early morning, the Khmer Empire didn't think to install flood lights so stumbling over an ancient bridge to the 'heavens'is the only way we know we might be walking in the right direction. As throngs of tourists park themselves in front of the twin lakes in front of famous Angkor Wat, my new buddy Frank and I decide to enter the impending Temple of Doom, looming in the shadows and though I fear it would be bad juju to actually enter the temple seeing as we so conveniently ignored the sign telling us not to enter the entire area, we sit down quietly on the wooden platform surrounding the structure and wait for the sun to come.

Everything you've heard about Angkor Wat is true. It is truly spectacular and although my sunrise was more impressive in Burma seated beside the lovely Miss Laura Hahn, the structures here are massive and intricate and, once you do some Wiki research is it not at all surprising that this stretch of land once housed over a million people. If you close your eyes you can almost hear the hustle and bustle of an ancient city. I imagine it to be something like the first 15 minutes of Disney's Aladdin.

Luckily since we got there so early we were able to do a little exploring before the temples became too congested with fellow travelers and I was allowed my solitude long enough to share my father, and an oldie but goodie by Neil Young, with this ancient religious structure and feat of mankind as the sun rose over the trees and warmed my face. I think he would have been particularly proud of this resting place.

I sit for a moment in the cool shade. Birds chirping and my nylon covered ass resting upon stones centuries old. I try to take in the magnitude of where I am standing. The magnitude of life. And try to have at least a moment alone to catch my breath, swallow my tears and silently wish things were different.

Moments after shaking him onto the Eastern corner ants begin to pick up the pieces, presumably for some ant like purpose and I think again - just how proud pops would be to literally be involved in the circle of life. And now I am singing Elton John to myself - I am clearly in a very Disney-place. 

A couple hours at the main plaza, getting to know my travel mate for the day, watching the monkeys frolic and thinking to myself anyone who doesn't believe in evolution after looking at one of these suckers and circling back around front we are ready to find out tuk tuk driver and see what else Angkor has to offer. After nearly an hour of searching for this man for whom we have no number or name, going so far as to eating a breakfast of ramen with chunks of chicken bone and my first Cambodian Angkor beer before 9 am and we accept the fact that he is gone and take plaid shirt guy who's name I can't recall up on his offer to give us the ''big tour.'

All temples smell faintly of fire - a sense memory that evokes happy childhood memories of crackling logs in the fire place as well as more recent painful ones, sifting through the remnants of my father's home hoping to find some relic that would numb the pain of losing the love of my life.

As we are taken from temple to temple I see that there is literally one for everyone: tall and skinny, short and fat, broken up by tree trunks and symmetrically beautiful. One is even surrounded by ancient healing waters, tempting me to sift through the algae to wash away my sins. As opposed to catching Cambodian still water disease I decide to use my French friend as an ear, shoulder, whatever body part you prefer and unload the huge amounts of shit that have fallen into my lap in recent months and that contaminate my mind daily. Perhaps it is his Canadian gentility, or the fact that he too is a grown up and understands grown up things, but he is kind and patient and seemingly very willing to listen to my sanitized diatribe.

Several hours later we are tired, sweaty, sun kissed and satiated by the beauty that Angkor is and we are back in the tuk tuk for the long hall into town and $15 lighter. As we deboard we figure we may as well eat and with a local Khmer spot not 5 feet away offering a deal for a meal and a beer for $3.50 we figure that the hell. Angkor beer for breakfast and Cambodia beer for lunch is very unlike me, but I finished neither - so don't call Sam Malone to be my sponsor just yet. The food was good, but the inspiration was even better and not 5 minutes after sitting down Frank pulls out an unlined notebook, asks me two questions about life, one in contrast to the other and asks me to write my answers on the blank pages provided. He has done this with several people so far and will continue to do so with travelers he meets along the way during his 4 month stint in Southeast Asia. I love the idea. I am inspired by the idea. And I immediately think about that creative collaboration upon which I can embark. Thanks, Frank!

The oppressive heat of equatorial countries mixed with the dirt of the dust is brutal so after lunch we retire to our own rooms to bathe and relax and then, separately of course, we both request the house masseuse who gives an hour long Khmer Massage.

It was then that I experienced something truly magical. It was un-lubricated, really rough and required no effort from me - so basically it was ideal. For $6 ( I ended up paying $10, but she was worth it!) this tiny Cambodian woman literally rubbed me from head to toe and despite the parts that made me wince as I actively tried to relax, when the hour was over I was looking for a Marlboro to light.

I don't know if it was her magic touch or the fact that it's been a very long time since I had sex, but when she massaged my undercarriage I felt a stirring like a Jane Austen novel. And I liked it!

Retiring to my room to recoup from my marginally sexual experience I relaxed, wrote and discovered that Cambodia is superior to the handful of other South East Asian countries I've visited for one main reson - my Netflix works here. I'm not sure if Netflix upgraded or if Cambodia just knows what's up, but if in my downtime I can watch Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life, again, I mean, come on...

Not quite ready to make my next move I inquired as to whether or not I could book another night at Bun Kao and, in the process, somehow talked myself out of a larger room in order to stay in my cozy room 13. Once agian it was time to eat and my companion for the day and I made our way down to the night market which was an assault on the senses in all the wrong ways. It was like Bourbon Street meets Cancun on Spring Break, with a dash of cultural flare. After a few laps to get our bearings we settled on a dsitinctrly orange restaurant where I was stoked to eat pumpkin and consume the third beer of the day. Needless to say, both were a disappointment. But with cost and risk factor low we simply hopped back in a tuk tuk, actually giving directions for the 1 mile jaunt to the driver who I am quite certain lives here full time, headed back home and, not before long, drifted into deep sleep.