dear you

c.j.r.h.,

How do I write a letter to a person I never met. Better yet, how do I write a letter to a person I never got the chance to meet, but who I love more than I knew possible.

Today should have been the happiest day of my life, and the very first of your's. Instead is it a gloomy day in New York City with grey drizzly skies and a gaping hole in my heart. No joy or laughter or first cries to fill it. Only space and the knowledge of what could have been; of what should have been. I see your smile. I feel your skin. I hear your voice and I know you. Perhaps that was too much pressure to put on your from the outset - but your presence in my life, if only briefly, was the greatest honor of my 35 years and I need you to know that you were cherished. That you were wanted. That you were loved.

Loved to such a degree that no combination or nouns and verbs could ever articulate what you meant to me; what you mean to me.

I am so sorry that I couldn't do more for you. I tried. I tried my very best to be the very best - and not for me. But for you. My love for you was pure and true and at least 85% altruistic. You were created with this explosion of true love and incredible passion and deep, meaningful connection, making you - by my accounts - the most beautiful, wonderful, special and amazing thing every to be created.

A creation I don't regret. Not even a little. Despite the intense and continual pain your absence provides me, knowing that you were here- if only for a little while - was worth it. You were and will always be worth it. I love you. We love you.

I need you to know you are loved.

yours always,
m