beheard

A busy life, such as the one I have created for myself allows for a lot of distraction. As a deeply feeling crab on the astrological chart I am known to tear up easily so when, a few years ago I lost my best friend and father I don't think the waterworks took anyone by surprise.

The first few years after his passing I did everything you are not supposed to. I moved across the country, a move I had intended to be near him but after is untimely demise the move was far more motivated by a toxic partner I was insisting be in my life. The relationship was abusive and confusing and extraordinarily painful and one I was absolutely not willing to walk away from. In retrospect I can see that my dad died. Quickly and completely out of my control early on a Tuesday morning and there was no way in hell I was going to let another love slip through my fingers.

Ill advised, but with some time I have seen the value in that ultimately doomed love affair.

Since I chose to be in an unhealthy dynamic I was very easily distracted by the tumult of this love.

Aside from him I had a new city in which it set up shop. New friends to make. New neighborhoods to explore - but there is a catch. When deeply depressed and in a controlling partnership you don't do those things. You cry and make bad paintings at home and watch copious amounts of television.

There were more years than I care to admit where i avoided anything that might resonate emotionally and all of my time leaving my phone streaming Netflix as to not have a moment to be alone. With my thoughts.

I think it was maybe Lorelai and Rory with whom I spent the most time in the months, and years, following this loss of incalculable magnitude. Michael Scott certainly made plenty of appearances as well.

Part of the reason I wanted to spend more time in Los Angeles and less in New York City was a slower, perhaps more relaxed way of life - but being addicted to work is also an excellent distraction from real life. I should know - I have been doing it my entire adult life and every time I think I want to make different choices, I find myself back in the same place - overbooking and stretching thin.

Grief is a funny, mysterious, malleable thing.

It it it's own living, breathing creature that will get you when you least expect it.

Like uncovered toes at bedtime or a shadowed closet door ajar, grief, if you allow it will get you when you least expect and when you're least prepared.

It has now been 5 years since I lost my dad. 3 since I've had my miscarriage and just about 2 since I loosened the reigns of my abusive relationship and in that time have become reacquainted with myself. The AD (after Dad) version at least.

There are times I think I was out through the ringer in my 30s in order to better relate and hopefully help those I now see struggling and being able to say with certainty, that you can get through this.

I, like many Americans. did not see Corona coming.

I am not quick to frighten or fret. And, fortunately, I am still relatively young and healthy so the threat seemed minimal at most.

Like people all across the globe, in the past few weeks I have realized how naive I was.

I am holed up. Taking shelter in place to not only keep myself as healthy as possible, but also my fellow man. The discrepancy in 'safety' in Los Angeles in particular is stark and with a home in LA and the intention of having spent my Spring and Summer in NYC are ever present.

Know what else is?

My dad.

I am sure I am not unique that I have been cleaning out the deep recesses of closets and cupboards housing the ticket stubs. photographs and memories from my time on earth.

All the places my dad still lives.

Only now I feel in a place where I can turn off the Gilmore Girls and at least try to meditate daily. I can put on The Beatles and Leonard Cohen and feel my dad with me as opposed to the intense absence I did for so long.

When in the darkest parts of my depression I felt very alone in my feelings, and misfortune - but time and perspective has allowed me to more clearly see that just because this has been my particular journey, it doesn't mean I am unique.

Many of us are having a whole cavalcade of emotions all from the 'comfort' of our living rooms, with no escape.

I cannot say it will never hurt. I cannot say it gets better.

All I can say is it gets different and more bearable without the distraction of the outside world. No matter how accessible that currently is.